I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Less talking, more tequila
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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