I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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