Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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