I accidentally had phone sex last night
If that was your dad, he is hot
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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