I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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