I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
