cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
