I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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