I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
