hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
