remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize