youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
