"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
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