i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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