I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
