My sheets look like a crime scene.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
