the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
