So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
