I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
