I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
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He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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