in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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