I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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