I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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