remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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