my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
