I want to have your abortion
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
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Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
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You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
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