Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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