Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
