I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
