I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
They have beer where we have blood.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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