I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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