Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
