My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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