Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
