Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
