so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
