There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
