We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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