i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
The Olympian is in my bed
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