Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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