Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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