Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
did i just pee glitter
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
