Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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