I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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