I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
