Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
