You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
