just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
