He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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