I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
