1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
