my sisters under your porch take her home
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
