So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
