Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
