i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
