I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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