My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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